What was going to see BTS like? Finding the words has been difficult. Please bear with me through this modest attempt. I thought I'd start by giving some context about my ARMY life. Who is BTS to me? How long have I been an ARMY? Why am I an ARMY?

My BTS journey is a relatively new one. I became a casual listener in early 2018, and then somewhere in between Tear and Answer comebacks I would say I took the plunge “down the rabbit hole”. Willingly. A completely conscious decision on my part. Mid master’s dissertation, I might add.

Initially, BTS offered me a much needed mental escape. If you’ve completed any sort of master’s program you’ll know it’s probably the most ridiculous decision you’ve ever made. So seeing as how I was questioning all the life choices that had let me to that point in time, I was needing a good dose of loving myself. How timely.

You see, loving myself has never come naturally to me (that’s a blog for another day). This is one of the reasons that their message resonated with me, and I know I’m not alone in that. So, when you combined the Blood Sweat & Tears music video with three beautiful, full-grown Korean men chanting “I love myself” in a notorious Cypher pt. 4 video (you know the one), I was pretty well sold on joining this “ARMY”.  

From the get-go I just figured I’d never really get the chance to see them live. They were just starting a tour and I couldn’t make any of the dates due to timing, and for some reason it just seemed so out of reach. You should also know that I’m an avid concert goer, so I’m not sure why I felt this way about seeing the boys (not today, satan).
​
Flash forward to when Speak Yourself World Tour is announced, and I’m at a huge crossroads in my life! I’ve graduated with my masters, I’ve “temporarily” moved back to my hometown to save money, and I’m trying to find a job that has remotely anything to do with what I just spent the last nine years of my life studying! Sounds like a good time to drop a lot of money traveling to see BTS in Los Angeles, agreed? Good. ​

So there I am; May 4th, 2019. Los Angeles, California, wondering how on Earth I got lucky enough to be there.

Every ARMY I encountered: an instant friend.
Every member of BTS: my bias.
All the merch: mine.

Just kidding I was too poor for that by this time, but you get the point. But do you know what is no joke? Meeting up with *twitter friends* was honestly the second best part of the whole thing! The boys have to come first, I’m sure you understand. The incessant, giggly outbursts throughout the weekend was one of my all-time favorite things. It’s the sound of *twitter friends* meeting for the first time, and it made my heart burst. Thank you BTS, for helping us find friends for a lifetime.

Then, after four hours in the merch line (no regrets despite my sunburn) and meeting up with several of my newfound real life friends, we were down to the wire. 4H, row 10, seat 115. They’re playing music videos, and we’re chanting along like it’s the real damn thing! How could the energy possibly get any better than this?! How could we be any more excited?! The anticipation was killing me.

Then finally, there they were. And do you know how it felt? It didn’t feel new. It felt like a reunion, it felt like seeing an old friend, like putting on an old pair of jeans, or like catching up with someone you hadn’t seen in a long time. Why? Because BTS shares so much with us, because they really care about us. Because their music isn’t just about them, it’s about us too. And when you see them, and hear them, it feels like coming HOME. It’s a sense of familiarity and belonging, because BTS makes us feel like a family. Seeing BTS live felt so natural. I don’t know how else to describe it, honestly. It’s the pinnacle of the BTS experience, because that is how their music, their art and they themselves are meant to be experienced. In person.

Let’s start with Serendipity, shall we? Heads up, I’m a Yoongi/Jimin double bias and I can’t help it. So as you can imagine I was nowhere near prepared for Jimin’s stunning display. Vocally, emotionally, physically, choreographically. None of it, I was prepared for none of Serendipity. My video is actually quite embarrassing due to the involuntary sounds that escaped my lips. Jimin’s precision never ceases to amaze me, and I fell further in love with the song. And Park Jimin, of course. 

Now, I’ve always enjoyed Euphoria, but live it had me absolutely ascending. Jungkook’s honest and authentic delivery of such emotional and powerful lyrics really touched me. I’ll never hear Euphoria in quite the same way. He was flying in a galaxy of ARMYs and I'll never forget it. 

And let me tell you about Tear. I can’t actually listen to it very often, because it’s such an emotionally heavy song for me. So as you can imagine, the live performance was on a whole new level. Tear literally brought me to tears. There was a moment during one of Yoongi’s bits where it just hit me. There I was, listening to Yoongi in his element. The tears started to flow and I didn’t even try to stop them.

There was something special about every single song. They gave their all to every single count and note. For me, nothing will ever parallel hearing 60,000 people chant “you can’t stop me loving myself”. How much more empowering could these seven young men get? 
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Overall, they gave us an emotional performance. The highs and lows were beautifully delivered. It was fun, it was emotional, it was uplifting, it was healing. Because for a moment, we were all completely in unity and it is nothing short of remarkable. ​

Sheffield, as it turns out, is my ancestral homeland. My great-great grandmother and her husband, along with much of their families before them, were born here. But Sheffield became so much more than a plot on my family tree, it became my home. A home that I never want to leave. You see, the last 365 days didn’t go how I thought they would, and I guess that was to be expected. They were more agonizing than I could have anticipated, yet full of more love than I knew my heart could expand to contain.

You see, people became more important than places. Because of that, I attended weddings instead of Disneyland, went to King Fisher rather than Cornwall, and visited “new” friends in London as opposed to Scottish moorlands. So when you ask me why I didn’t travel more and see more while I lived in England, I’ll tell you that it was because I was too busy cultivating relationships to be bothered with seeing sights that could never fill my soul with half as much love as the people of Sheffield did. 

The more you grow, live, travel and learn, the more you experience the pain that comes with love. Your ability to care for others increases beyond what you knew possible. And with increased capacity for love, comes increased capacity for pain. Because as time goes on, I leave again. Loving people is truly a soul stretching experience, beautiful and bitter all the same. 

Ironically, my experience in England became one of cultural fusion. The large population of Chinese students here brought with them a sense of familiarity for me. I learned how to make tǔdòu sī (my favorite Chinese side-dish) and dumplings from scratch! I was introduced to K-Dramas and (reintroduced to) K-Pop. I made friends from around the globe, from Chengdu to Pocatello and everywhere in between, but it was England that brought us all together. We were in the right place at the right time, and I’ll be eternally grateful. 

“You’re so lucky.” Some have said. But it’s far from true. Having the courage to live your dreams is terrifying and fraught with uncertainty. No, I’m not lucky, I have been blessed with vision and drive. I accomplish my goals (not unaided, to be sure), and more often than not it’s taken blood, sweat and tears to do so. But it has always been worth it. 

So after one glorious year, my favorite meal is a reyt good Proper Pasty and I’ll probably be well mad that I can’t pop down to Toby Carvery when I’m craving a Yorkshire pudding. Hendos is an essential ingredient in any self respecting shepherd’s pie, and gravy goes on everything. I mean it, everything. Chips and mayonnaise hit the spot every time, and Dandelion & Burdock will always be my beverage of choice. But don’t worry, I still constantly manage to get in the “wrong” side of the car, and raise eyebrows when I talk about how I need a new pair of fancy work pants. 

Nesh. 
Naff. 
Mardy. 
Bin.
Bloomin’. 
Ta. 
Chuffed.
Cheers.
Duck. 
Mate.
Love. 
Hiyaaa. 

It’s a culture of overly polite, brutally honest, kind hearted people that just can’t be bothered and I will absolutely have culture shock when I go “home”. 

Home. That word has transformed in meaning for me. It definitely does not signify a singular location. It’s a feeling you have when you’re around souls that you connect with. Places merely become associated with the people you love so dearly. 

So if I get back to the States and I tell you that I’ve thrown something in the “bin” or that I’m “well excited” to go to Walmart, please don’t roll your eyes. I’ve just spent a year soaking up South Yorkshire. Full of the most celestial people I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting. So if you’re reading this, and we’ve crossed paths in England, yes - I’m talking about you. ​

[​Originally published August 2017]

Packing. It's proving to be a "trial by fire" type scenario. I know what you're thinking, "Kadee! You've moved several times. You've even lived out of the country before!" Okay, you might not be thinking exactly that, but I definitely am. 

Here's the deal, moving across the country is one thing, but moving across the world is another. Now, let me pause you - living in China was very temporary. One suitcase, 8 business-casual outfits to teach in and enough t-shirts to explore the countryside in, and I was set! I didn't even bring hair products! But moving house and relocating to another country for an indefinite (shhhh, don't tell my mom) amount of time has me doing some serious soul searching as far as "needs" and "wants" are concerned. 

I swear I've had a good purge at least three times since I moved home in April, yet somehow I keep needing to downsize. Where's the humanity?! Miraculously, I managed to get nearly everything I needed into two medium sized boxes and two medium sized suitcases. I'm going to pull a George Banks (If you haven't seen Father of the Bride stop reading immediately and educate yourself, please) and tell you that it cost me $450 to ship all that glorious crap to England. #WorthIt 

Now please, don't hate me. But I can genuinely say that getting in to grad school has been the easiest part of this entire process. I know, a shock to me as well, seeing as how it was the most meticulous, detail oriented thing I'd ever done in my life. But I can absolutely assure you, that obtaining my Visa to the United Kingdom was most assuredly the most painstaking and difficult experience of my life. Hands down. If you can figure out how to successfully navigate obtaining a visa and making it to your final destination, you 200% deserve to be there (still crossing my fingers that I make it there alive). I've never filled out so much paperwork or needed so many documents. 

But, here we are - the final countdown. Less than two weeks to go and I've processed almost every emotion possible. Excitement. Terror. Doubt. Fear. Nostalgia. Thrill. Regret. Yet here I stand thinking, "Let's do this thing!". I've registered for orientation, I've sorted my belongings, I've filed my paperwork. GET ME TO ENGLAND! I'm as terrified as I am thrilled to start this new journey. Am I mentally or emotionally prepared for 15 credits of stats classes? Probably not. But am I totally ready utilize those 24/7 library hours? Absolutely!  

​The captivating opening and closing monologue made the new Wonder Woman film instantly relatable for me. I’ve dedicated a lot of my time to non-profit organizations that I’m passionate about. I’m pursuing a career in social policy impact. I’ve often felt that the world needs “saving”. 

But, Diana learned two important lessons that altered her perception about wanting to save the world...

Martin Luther King, Jr. said it best when he stated that, ​

​I’ve struggled to find words for what I learned by attending the United Nations. The Commission on the Status of Women can be a source of sensory overload. The need for constant discernment is mentally exhausting and left me feeling rather overwhelmed. I rarely take anything at face value as it is, so as I walked into the UN, my guard was up.
 
Questions such as “What do they really mean? What are they getting at? Where is the agenda hidden in this message? Where are they getting these statistics from?” constantly assaulted my frame of reference.
 
The overarching message was hulking: It’s all about me. What do I want? What are my desires? What will make me happy? How have I felt oppressed? What rights do I demand? What consequences should I be exempt from? This mentality dimmed my soul and left me feeling hollow.
 
​I’ll be the first person to tell you that I am far from selfless. However, I was raised in a culture that taught me that choices are to be made and sacrifices are to be born for the greater good of the whole, for others.
 
I’ve been taught that worrying about myself and my success alone, will lead to unhappiness and emptiness. I’ve come to learn through experience that helping others and focusing on their needs brings unmeasurable light, love and compassion into my life. My greatest sense of fulfillment in life has come through serving others.
 
I came to the UN wanting to have an impact. Don’t we all want to make a dent? I wanted to learn how I could reach out to others and impact their lives for the better. However, I was instantly bombarded with messages about how getting what I want will make me happy and somehow improve society simultaneously.
 
The attitude of self-gratification that seems to exude from the UN is not the route to long-term peace and happiness. Thomas Merton in his book, No Man Is An Island, says the following:
 
“It is therefore of supreme importance that we consent to live not for ourselves but for others. When we do this we will be able first of all to face and accept our own limitations.”
 
In all reality, we would be more content as individuals if we were constantly striving to live for others, rather than for ourselves. 

The core message at the United Nations is that of allowing individuals to make any choice they desire, while anticipating that the result will be individual and societal prosperity.
 
They are missing the mark, by a long shot.
 
Mounds of social science evidence show that strong families build strong individuals and strong societies. A study by Brad W. Wilcox and some of his colleagues states that “Family structure is a better predictor of outcomes like economic mobility, child poverty and median family income than are race or education.”
 
Yet I know of no government on earth whose sole endeavor is to empower individuals and society by means of strengthening the family.
 
A world that promotes self-pleasure, in all of its varying forms, as a means to a happy, healthy and successful life, will in reality lead only to dead ends and disappointments. On a personal, economic and global level, individualistic mentalities will be our downfall. To believe that your actions, lifestyle, or choices are of no consequence to anyone but you, is foolish and shortsighted.
 
There is so much irony in their reasoning. Many preach the message that the choices that we make every single day impact our environment, the air we breathe and millions of oceanic ecosystems. Yet societies and governments have somehow come to believe that the choices we make every single day impact no human being but ourselves? It is ludicrous.
 
If our society, and the world as a whole, continue to value only the rights and choices of individuals, with no regard to impact on society or the family, we will all suffer the serious consequences of deteriorating family systems and decaying individual empowerment.

No family is perfect, and it would be unwise to strive for some unattainable standard in any area of life. However, we can stand up and speak out. The value that family adds to society, individual empowerment and economic growth cannot be rightly ignored.
 
We strive for the best in every other category or aspect of life, so let us strive for the best when it comes to families, individuals and nations.
 
I urge citizens, leaders, and people of influence everywhere to place as their highest priority the protection and strengthening of the family as the irreplaceable foundation of civilization and our only hope for prosperity, peace, and progress.

​Last week, I had an open and respectful conversation with a dear friend who has drastically different views from my own. I thoroughly enjoy conversations like this, I think they’re vitally important to the forward motion of society in general. As I pondered more on what was said in our conversation and the views that were expressed, I realized something about myself. I could nearly get on board with what the liberal agenda is, if it wasn’t executed in the way that it is executed.
Do I believe in the fundamental right to choose? Yes.

​Agency is a fundamental right. However, I also believe that every choice has consequences. I believe that we get to choose our actions, thoughts, beliefs and orientations, but not the consequences of such. You may choose to place your hand on a hot stove, but your desire to avoid a burn will not prevent the heat from blistering your skin. I may choose to go rock climbing without any safety restraints, but my desire to stay safe will not prevent me from being injured if I do not take the necessary actions to prevent injury. 

​Do I believe that a woman should have the right to choose abortion? Yes. I do not believe that my tax dollars should fund that totally optional and non-mandatory procedure, and I do not believe that a medical professional should have their license revoked if they choose to not participate in the procedure if it violates their personal beliefs about the sanctity of life. That would be inhibiting his rights and mine. 

Do I believe that a gay couple should have the right to choose adoption? Yes. I do not believe that a privately owned or religiously affiliated adoption agency should be forced to officiate in adoptions that violate their personal and religious beliefs about the nature of families. That would be inhibiting their rights.  
​
Do I believe that gay couples should have the right to perform wedding ceremonies? Yes. I do not believe that privately owned businesses should be forced to provide their services to such ceremonies if it violates their personal and religious beliefs about the sanctity of marriage. That would be inhibiting their rights. 

If you want everyone to stop talking about your private parts, maybe you should keep them private or even stop wearing them around on your head like a decoration. Be upset about what trump said. You should be. But what about Bill and his string of offenses, while he was in office? At least rather than denying his actions, or rather- words, Trump apologized for them. 

And if you're so mad about rape culture, then on the way home from your march you’re going to want to stop listening to Beyoncé telling you to go “f*ck me up a bi*ch up". And when you stop promoting a culture of casual sex, then you can stop complaining about the citizens that culture produces. Why should Trump, or any other human for that matter, be expected to be untouched by a culture that preaches that “nice guys finish last”, as Drake so simply states it. 

Don't continue on telling me that there is no room for my morals in government when someone's lack of morals has apparently stirred you to so much anger that hundreds of thousands of you marched in protest. Don’t tell me that there’s no room for morals unless, of course, the absence of such offends you.  
​
So, I'll march for you. I'll march to city hall and Capitol Hill, defending my morals because they'll protect you from assault and degradation. I'll protect your unborn children from a society that wants to be rid of them before they've even arrived. I'll march for my right to filter movies in my home so that my sons don't learn that it's acceptable to harass your daughters as you continue to promote media that deems it acceptable. 

​Are you picking up what I’m laying down? You absolutely should have the ability to make any choice at all. But you don’t have a right to choose the consequences of your actions. And you absolutely should not have the right to make choices at my expense, to harm me, my rights, my freedom of belief, or practice of religion. I am in no way, shape or form forcing you to worship with me, believe as I believe, or live as I live. I am asking you to respect my right to choose. 

According to Webster’s Dictionary, a right is that which justly belongs to someone. Quite honestly, none of the previously mentioned things are rights, they are privileges. I should not be required to provide your privileges at the expense of my own God-given right to believe as I believe and live as I live. There are multiple adoption agencies, doctor’s offices and bakery’s that would be more than happy to provide the services mentioned. Because of that fact, someone’s privilege of receiving those services is not being taken away. 

I think that each “side”, in fear of losing the battle altogether, “goes for the jugular” as it were.
Just because you're pro-choice doesn't mean I think you're a baby killer, and just because I'm religious doesn't mean you think I'm a homophobe. We need to stop compartmentalizing each other, it defeats our purpose and is counterproductive.

We absolutely can meet in the middle and find common ground, rather than going for an all or nothing approach that isn't moving us forward at all. I completely believe that there is a way to compromise. Is that so drastic? I think that people should be given choices that don’t inhibit the rights of others. So, as strongly as you believe that you should be able to choose the consequences of your actions, I believe that my rights should not be sacrificed to make way for that privilege. 

If we want to remain the United States of America, we need to start being united. You know me,  I have somewhat of a fascination with semantics. My word today is liberty. The state of being free from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one’s way of life, behavior or views. Today, I am speaking of religious liberty.

Religion plays a boundless role in the socialization of every society; because of that, and regardless of our beliefs, each one of us should care about the status of religious liberty. Research has shown that religion impacts societal and individual health.

“…adolescents who frequently attend religious services and have a high level of spiritual support from others in their community have the lowest levels of depression.” Similarly, another study showed that, “…[S]tudents who attended religious activities weekly or more frequently were found to have a GPA 14.4 percent higher than students who never attended.”

These two demographics alone speak loudly for the importance of religious practice, and those are but two of hundreds of similar statistics.

It should come as no surprise to you when I say that some religious beliefs and practices do not align with the popular and seemingly general opinion of America. But, that’s the beauty of being an American, isn’t it? It means that you and I can agree to disagree; that our beliefs or our ways of life do not need to align completely in order for us to live in harmony. The beauty of being an American lies in the fact that we are free from oppression, dominance and coercion. Or, at least that was an American ideal.

We are shifting toward an air of intimidation and uniform equality. That is to say that Americans should live, behave and view life all in the same way. May I be so bold as to point out that if these are your ideals, they surely did not originate in the principles that founded America.

It’s time to regain a sense of unity. Being joined together for a common purpose, by common feelings; feelings of respect despite differences and harmony in the face of disagreement. Our policies and our laws need to reflect a win-win scenario. Someone I admire recently said that laws are created for the good of the whole, and rarely for the good of an individual alone. Shouldn’t the liberties of all, and not just a few be protected and defended?

Utah’s recent Antidiscrimination and Religious Freedom Amendment Bill did this well, holding gender identity as something of value and importance to its citizens, stating that, "[One’s] gender identity is [a] sincerely held, part of a person's core identity.” While still respecting the liberties and beliefs of religious parties and individuals by affirming that, “An employee may express the employee's religious or moral beliefs and commitments in the workplace…”

Conversely, an attitude of discord and antagonism is fostered in this statement by Senator Hilary Clinton last year at the Women in the World Summit Conference. In her keynote address she stated that, “…deep seeded cultural codes, religious beliefs and structural biases have to be changed.” 

This “us vs. them” mentality has got to go. America cannot thrive while it is fighting an internal battle. It is possible for people of different moral codes to coexist and cooperate without forcing views on one another.

Each of us have many friends and family members with whom we do not entirely agree with on any number of subjects, yet we love and cherish the relationships that we have with these people; because they are built on a foundation of respect understanding. It is not mandatory that we all see eye to eye, but that we operate from the same basic framework. 

Religion’s truest practices only impact society positively, weather you worship or not, this fact should cause you to question policies that do not protect freedom of belief, conscious or practice- for every party. Everyone should be free to live according to the dictates of their conscience, in a society that protects liberty and justice for all. 

​I am aware that my story may appear to be cliché, or even a little bit morally outdated to some. But it is because of my story that I am who I am. This is exactly the point that I want to make. We have each been shaped and molded by those around us; it is the way of the world.
 
My life and my character have been shaped by the guidance of the women in my life. I developed surrounded by women of strong moral competence. In my upbringing, I was constantly cared for and counseled by women who, through lives full of hardship, strength and independence have become women of boundless character.
 
We each know these women. They do not choose to become subject to their difficulties and circumstances, but rather are made strong in spite of them. These women are up for any challenge, because they know their strength and their worth.
 
They know that they are equal to any task, and because of that, they willingly rise to meet every challenge that comes their way. These women have influenced all of us, and an absence of that influence would not go unnoticed.
 
Because of these women, I reclaim feminism. 

I definitely think so! We live in a society that tells us that admiring a woman for being incredible at something that comes naturally to her as a woman, is intolerant or narrow-minded. A society that tells us that in order to value women, we must undervalue men. One recognized feminist author has written that:
 
"To secure a world of female values and female freedom…the ratio of men to women must be radically reduced so that men approximate only ten percent of the total population.”
 
In great contrast, I stand by the feminist definition that states that:
 
“…[W]e should acknowledge and celebrate the differences between men and women in order to bring equality to those feminine traits that are at present undervalued.”

​This is the type of equality that I fight for. Equality that states that the distinct attributes and characteristics of women should be as highly valued as those of men. This is the feminism that I am reclaiming. Because sameness, standardization and uniformity do not characterize beauty.
 
I am reclaiming feminism because to be different is to be beautiful. Variety is the spice of life.
 
I am reclaiming feminism because glorifying and empowering women does not include anything about becoming like a man.
 
I am reclaiming feminism because I value the differences in the people around me. I don’t want anyone to be identical to me, and I don’t want to be identical to anyone else.
 
I am reclaiming feminism because I possess a sense of authority in my unique abilities as a woman.
 
I am reclaiming feminism because I will not allow society to tell me that in order to be valued, enabled and impactful, that I must imitate something or someone else entirely different from who I am.
 
I am reclaiming feminism because rather than redefining me, I am redefining society, by demanding that it values me for who I am, not who it thinks I should be.
 
Equal, by definition, does not mean same in assets or in nature, but in capability and value, rank or quality.
 
There absolutely should be equality among the sexes, equality in value and importance. That means that I am as equally valued for doing what a woman does, as a man is for doing what a man does - and all that each of those roles independently includes.
 
This type of equality will not result from a factory-line type production of humans designed to be identical, but rather from giving power and significance to the differences among us. 
 
There is beauty in diversity, my friends.

​Each of us has the power to influence what society values. I’m going to say that again, let it sink in… each of us has the power to influence what society values. You can start a domino effect. You can change the norm. This is our responsibility.
 
We must have courage in order to reclaim feminism, because it is not a popular opinion to see men and woman as being different but equal. Don’t just speak up about the equality of women, but men, children and families too. Each of these elements of society is necessary – playing their own different, but vital roles. 

Recently, while mulling over some recent events in my life with me, one of the wisest people I know stated, "I think that every time a less than ideal situation happens to you, you're tearing down the wall, not building it up. You learn more about what real love is, not less of what it is. By that experience you learn more how to truly love."

I was enlightened. He wasn't even trying to "teach me a lesson", per say. He was simply stating what he thought, while in the mean time totally transforming my perspective. 

I'm not building a wall around my heart, I'm knocking it down! Every single time that something less than ideal occurs, I learn a little bit more about how to love. I learn a little bit more about what love really is. Every experience brings me closer to truly loving- line upon line. 

So everyone...get out there and tear down those heart walls! 

Kadee Kat.