Welcome to the inner workings of my mind...disclaimer number one: I'm a real big hippie, and I'm about to go all energy on you. Disclaimer number two: blogging is cheaper than therapy.
I have what we call a "heart wall". Allow me to elaborate. It is not something that can merely be demolished overnight by a wrecking-ball of sorts, i.e. discovering its presence, or changing your newfound illogical thought processes- it has been carefully laid brick upon brick by years of emotional damage; one gut-wrenching experience at a time. I'm convinced that it's comparable in size to the Great Wall of China- or at least that's what it feels like.
Let me paint you a picture...If my heart even starts to think about feeling something, say for example, "Oh man, he's cute and funny." the wall screams, "AHHHHHHH! STOP RIGHT THERE, I'M SCARED! GET AWAY FROM ME! WHY WOULD HE EVEN LIKE YOU? HOW COULD HE EVEN LIKE YOU? JUST QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD!" And yes- it screams at me. So then, that negative energy is sent out to the universe and is perceived as, "Oh, this girl doesn't really care. She's even trying to not care" (Let us note that we may not have this actual thought process, this is all energy reception). So then unfortunately, said male finds that walking away becomes easier than trying to jump the Great Wall, and understandably so- no one should have to hurdle that thing to get to me.
Therefore, so what? I have no magical cure-all, but this much I know- God cares. Just because we don't always see Him there, doesn't mean He isn't. We need to take a step in the right direction, in any direction, in order for Him to be able to guide our path. God doesn't intend for you to be instantaneously perfect upon realizing your shortcomings, He does however intend for you to improve.
For now, I'm working on my heart wall, which for me means transparency and believing. This will be a giant feat, as you can imagine due to the details outlined above.
LO
VE,
Kadee
I have what we call a "heart wall". Allow me to elaborate. It is not something that can merely be demolished overnight by a wrecking-ball of sorts, i.e. discovering its presence, or changing your newfound illogical thought processes- it has been carefully laid brick upon brick by years of emotional damage; one gut-wrenching experience at a time. I'm convinced that it's comparable in size to the Great Wall of China- or at least that's what it feels like.
Let me paint you a picture...If my heart even starts to think about feeling something, say for example, "Oh man, he's cute and funny." the wall screams, "AHHHHHHH! STOP RIGHT THERE, I'M SCARED! GET AWAY FROM ME! WHY WOULD HE EVEN LIKE YOU? HOW COULD HE EVEN LIKE YOU? JUST QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD!" And yes- it screams at me. So then, that negative energy is sent out to the universe and is perceived as, "Oh, this girl doesn't really care. She's even trying to not care" (Let us note that we may not have this actual thought process, this is all energy reception). So then unfortunately, said male finds that walking away becomes easier than trying to jump the Great Wall, and understandably so- no one should have to hurdle that thing to get to me.
Therefore, so what? I have no magical cure-all, but this much I know- God cares. Just because we don't always see Him there, doesn't mean He isn't. We need to take a step in the right direction, in any direction, in order for Him to be able to guide our path. God doesn't intend for you to be instantaneously perfect upon realizing your shortcomings, He does however intend for you to improve.
For now, I'm working on my heart wall, which for me means transparency and believing. This will be a giant feat, as you can imagine due to the details outlined above.
LO
VE,
Kadee
RSS Feed
